It’s been a while. I went to the ancestors workshop I mentioned in my previous post, and what happened was so personal and so sacred that it’s difficult to share with even those who are closest to me. What I will say is that it left me in intimate touch with the energy and gifts of my mother’s mother’s line and it left me as a different new and transformed person that I need to grow into.
My life has really been shaken up. At times it felt like the earth was going to fall out from under my feet, and I guess I thought I needed to figure out the answers before I shared my experience with the world. But this blog isn’t about me sharing any answers! This blog is about me sharing my healing experience, and healing is a windy, tumultuous road.
This road that the universe has been taking me down has been a humbling and transformative one. Business has been slow in the spring and summer seasons, and I’ve struggled with feeling like I’m drowning and really trying to figure out where to go from here. A few months ago I felt on top of the world. I had transformed so many of the things that were holding me back from true happiness and from my true self, I had let go of so much of my conditioning, I was living in a place I loved, creating a community with like-minded people for the first time in my life, and business was better than ever. Shortly after I had written the blog post about choosing abundance I started to feel the financial abundance slipping away. It really brought me down from the high I was on, and I was really doing a lot of soul searching to figure out why the universe wasn’t responding to me with the abundance all the self help gurus told me was my birthright.
I went to my weekly kirtan practice where (if you read this blog regularly you know) a lot of my healing takes place. My experience was incredible. I was shown a new way of being in the world. But I wasn’t just shown, I actually experienced it. It was all about gratitude. I saw myself showing gratitude for every single sale I got, showing gratitude every time I bought food for myself, everything I ate, and just for everything.
It was a beautiful experience that I’m very grateful for, and I started living in gratitude the way I was shown right away. The universe was responding to me better, but I was still struggling in business. I kept searching for answers. What was the key, the special piece of information that I needed to solve this puzzle so that I could get to financial abundance? I was fortunate to meet a shaman at a party who shared with me something his dad always told him: “Life is like a ferris wheel. Sometimes you’re up, and sometimes you’re down. Sometimes there’s lots of money, and sometimes there’s not enough.” Maybe I was being dramatic.
This financial slump has brought many, many lessons. It has gotten me thinking more about my dharma, my place in the world. It reminded me of my strength. And it has brought back a recurring lesson in my life: to be like water. Water is the most powerful force on earth. It is not hard. It is fluid and yielding, and it wears down the hardest rocks.
I try to be like water and to flow with the universe. This is a lifelong lesson. Are we really in control? Sure, there’s free will, but there is a force at work in life on this planet that’s much more intelligent and much more powerful than we are. It’s wise to give ourselves to that force and let it lead us. Those who teach success implore us to fully realize that we’re in complete control of our lives and that if we can believe it we can achieve it. And I think that’s absolutely true. But I believe the piece that’s just as important as believing and taking action on our goals is to let go. Because there really is a greater intelligence at work that creates a path for us that truly brings us what we need. We might need a lesson in humility, in gratitude, in service, or in letting go.
This road has taken me back to the other side of healing, the side that’s not all bliss and love and light.
There was a kundalini yoga practice that shook my world. I’ve practiced kundalini yoga for about three years now. But it has always been a home practice with dvds. I attended a class not knowing what to expenct. Upon meeting the teacher we found out that we share a birthday. When we entered the room she told us that we would be riding the tide of the full moon and this would be an intense class. She had a unique energy and a lot of mysterious wisdom that she shared. She pointed to the gong she brought to class and referred to it as a being, not an object, telling us that the gong is so powerful that when you’re in the presence of a gong being played live it goes straight into your subconscious and clears. She said we could feel unpleasant emotions and find our muscles tensing. I didn’t think anything of her statement.
The practice that day was to strengthen the nervous system. We practiced breath of fire for almost the entirety of the class which was making me really nauseous. We were doing a lot of leg work which left my leg muscles fatigued and unable to hold me in cross-legged pose. Not only were my legs unable to hold me up, when I sat with my hands over my head my whole body from my legs to my torso all the way up to my hands were trembling violently. During the last physical part of the practice I felt so disoriented that I couldn’t even open my eyes to see what she was instructing for the meditation. With my eyes closed my mind was going into a weird place. It was a state of mind that I had never experienced before. It felt similar to the disorienting feeling of a panic attack, and with my eyes closed I could see the teacher and the plant on her left glowing in white. I was finally able to open my eyes, and shortly it was finally time for the relaxation. And then she began playing the gong. When she was playing that gong here is what I was feeling: terror. It was such an enormous vibration that it almost didn’t even feel like a sound to me. It felt like an enormous and absolutely furious storm on the ocean. Was that sound coming from background music? Was that sound even coming from this room? When she stopped playing the gong I found that all the muscles in my body were completely tense. I opened my eyes, and I thought “What. the. fuck. That was the weirdest experience I’ve ever had.” I said to the teacher, “Ummm, can I talk to you after class?” I told her my experience, and she looked at me blankly like, “Yeah? And?” She asked if I had any questions about the class. I said, “Well, no. But I’ve never felt anything like that before, I’m disoriented, and I’d like to get your insight.” She said simply, “Your nervous system is weak and you need to build it up. That’s why you were nauseous. I told you the gong goes directly into your subconscious and clears. Many spiritual practices are all love and light and rainbows, and kundalini is a neutral practice.”
Old triggers are showing up in my life again, asking “Are you sure you’re done with this?”.
This road has been truly transformative. While it has been extremely challenging, it has also been so richly rewarding. Financial abundance might be lacking for the time being, but I’m in absolute awe of the spiritual gifts I’ve received. Isn’t that where the true riches are?
I’m not going to scream and struggle and kick my feet as I’m taken down this road. I’m not going to label it as good or bad or difficult. I’m going to embrace it, because this is my life. Right here and right now. And it’s beautiful. Every moment of it.