I’m sitting here dealing with deep betrayal from my past. I just received a voicemail from my father who I haven’t talked to in three years. I stopped talking to my father and most of my family after enduring so much mistreatment from them that it was literally impossible for me to continue the relationships. I had given my parents so much of myself that if I gave them one more drop, I would give away the last tiny speck of my own energy and power that I had remaining.
I’m sitting here in utter disgust. Disgust with my parents for the way they manipulated me and used me? No. At MYSELF. For years and years I gave myself over like a weak person. One betrayal after another, I laid back down only to be steamrolled by them again. They took my desire to have a nice, loving family, and they used it to control me. I spent hours and hours on the phone with them several nights per week giving them advice and trying to help them out of the irrational, sick places they were in their lives. It took an enormous amount of energy. But I could be strong enough, I told myself. I could read enough self help books for myself and them.
If only I had saved that power for myself instead of giving it to them in the hopes that they would then be able to fulfill me by giving me the family I had needed. If only I had realized that nobody could give me the power, the security, the love that I was seeking but me. If only I had spent those countless hours on the phone with them in meditation instead.
Never give your power away. Like cannibals, my parents fed off my energy for 20 years. They ate out all the energy I had from the inside until I was hollowed out and then they manipulated me. I refused to give up my trust for them, and they used that trust and my naivete for their own selfish purposes.
Shame. Shame on me. My parents are responsible for their own behavior, don’t get me wrong. But who is responsible for giving up my power and allowing them to feed on it? ME. And that is true strength, my friends. That is truly owning your power. Owning yourself. Owning your actions. No one is responsible for the way you feel but yourself. If you’re in an unhealthy relationship in which you are the victim, here’s something you don’t want to hear. It’s a hard truth to swallow: You are responsible for being in that situation. All humans, no matter who we are, have something called free will. If you were like me, you put up with manipulation tactics for years and years and years. I was tricked even. If you were raised to be powerless, and you were manipulated by your parents, it’s not easy to get yourself out of that programming. But it is your responsibility to deprogram yourself and save yourself from that situation. No one else can rescue you. Don’t make the same mistake that I made for 15 years trying to help the very people who were eating me alive. Don’t surround yourself with people unless they uplift you and help you to realize your own power. If you can’t find people like that, be alone. This is something I have repeated over and over again in this blog: GET AWAY FROM TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS. Recognize they are toxic and remove yourself from that situation. Never love someone else more than you love yourself. Take care of yourself. You are a sovereign being, and that is the only true responsibility you have in this life. If you can’t take care of yourself and own your own power, I have news for you: you can’t take care of or love anyone else either. Never give away your power. There isn’t one valid reason out there for you to do that. There’s no good being done whatsoever by you giving your power away. In fact, there’s no greater sin, no greater betrayal to yourself.
I invite you to join me on the journey I’ve been on for the last three years: the journey to finding your power.